Haven't You Always Wanted a Monkey?

This past weekend, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest became the highest-grossing opening weekend movie in history, surpassing 2002's Spider-Man and this spring's Aquaman. When I went to the theatre to catch Pirates, I was struck not by how many people were out to see it, but by the diversity of the crowd. Young or old, geek or prep, people showed up in droves to see Johnny Depp swashing and buckling. Why? Because pirates - the 16th century kind that are portrayed in the Caribbean movies, at least - have a wide appeal. Where aliens creep some people out and superheroes might only entice those familiar with their pulpy comic origins, pirates live the kind of life we all wish we had: free of the law, out on the sea, snatching up all the booty, booze, and beauties that they can find. As I was walking out of Dead Man's Chest, I began to think about another series that featured a newbie pirate, an island of cannibals, and quite a bit of quirky humor. After much consideration...okay, fine, in the time it took to walk from my seat in the theatre to my car...I came to an important decision: I want to bring that series to the silver screen. After all, if Pirates of the Caribbean can succeed, so can this. And so, I announce to you, my readers, the next big project for Minutiae: developing and selling a screenplay for the 1990 video game The Secret of Monkey Island.*

The game follows the adventures of Guybrush Threepwood, a young man who lands on Melee Island with dreams of becoming a pirate. On the advice of some drunken pirates in a local bar, he starts a three-part quest to assert his ability: dig up a treasure, master swordfighting, and steal a significant item. Along the way he meets the lovely governor of the island, with whom he quickly becomes smitten, and learns the legend of the ghost pirate LeChuck. LeChuck captures Governor Marley, and Guybrush uses his newfound piracy to trek to the mysterious Monkey Island in an attempt to save his love.

But not all of Guybrush's adventure is in the tri-island area are stereotypical piracy. The trick to swordplay is not your athletic ability or strength, it's your quickness in insulting your opponent. Cannibals are only dangerous to you if you can't convince them to take up a vegan diet. It's not "yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" with the privateers of Melee Island; their drink of choice is grog, a strange concoction that can melt through a ceramic mug or metal prison bars. It's quite probably the funniest game you'll play, if you can get your hands on a machine that runs DOS.

How can you help me in my quest to see Monkey Island on film?

• Money: Of course, this project will require some serious cash flow, especially if we're to pull off the ghost pirate sequences without dubbing over scenes from the first POTC movie. Besides, Guybrush doesn't look much like Johnny Depp.
• Gossip: Do you know a movie star? Start a whisper campaign. Tell them to spread the word around the studios that a "great new movie idea" is coming across their desk, and how hasn't it been picked up yet?
• Networking: My ideal Guybrush: Zach Braff. Did anyone work on Scrubs or Garden State and is still close with ZB? Hell, I'll even throw Natalie Portman in as Governor Marley if that seals the deal for Dr. Dorian.
• Influence: The game was originally distributed by LucasArts. Someone out there knows someone who knows George Lucas. Yes, he effectively ruined the greatest memories of our childhood by augmenting them with too many special effects, but if I can wrest control of the Monkey franchise from him, I can promise positive results.
• Method: I can write, but I need actors and a crew to get this thing off the ground. I'll announce an open casting call later.

That's what I expect my initial needs to be. If I think of any more, I'll let you know.

*I am in no way obligated to actually follow through with this idea.